| I found
that I have habit to fib a little to myself. Maybe you have felt the same? How is it possible that others are wrong all the time? That can’t be real; surely I must get things wrong too. So I became my own subject of investigation. I decided to study my intentions and my basic nature. I planned to be brutally honest, to discover the man others see. I was fearful; the confrontation was bound to be harsh. I set out stripping off every fixed idea about myself I had. I distanced myself from religion in order not to confuse the matter. Then I had a hard look; discounting what should and shouldn’t be. For the first time I stood truly naked; no pretence! Though I have good intentions; I harbor much resentment. I am angry with life and disappointed with my circumstances and luck. I feel I deserve more than what I have; pretending to be grateful. I resent peoples’ carelessness that affects me negatively. I am annoyed with peoples' ignorance and their low awareness. The inability of others to love in an unselfish fashion is beyond me. Yet… in honesty now; I think I might be guilty of that too. I don’t want to be that way, but I find myself needing more than I have. Despite my sound intentions for all that is part of my environment; I have hurt many beings and destroyed many ideas. All these occurrences were subjected to conditions where I placed myself first. It is a self-survival strategy, but did require a choice between others and me. I don’t know how to commit treason against myself; I come first. I have to come first; I must survive, if not that, then what? I have unacceptable thoughts on an hourly basis… The restraint I exercise to withhold me from acting on it is tiring. I fall in love too often; that is, with someone other than my partner. In my dreams I live out the fantasies of pursuing those interested. But, in dreams it stays; because moral conduct doesn’t condone it. This leaves my heart yearning for forbidden fruit; packed with guilt. I am confused much of the time by the chaos that surrounds me. Though I am frustrated with it; I contribute my own confusion to the pot. Yet, nobody but me is permitted to call me a fool or confused. That is seen as an attack on my character; from there you’re an enemy. In honesty, you are seen as a fool to the degree you differ from me. I think I am more intelligent than most and have the IQ to back it up. I am a self-righteous person; and trust my conclusions wholly. I make up my own mind; but will let you believe you played a role. I manage my relationships in such a way that it benefits me best. “I keep my friends close and my enemies closer.” I will manipulate a situation and people to advance my cause. I am a human being, firstly selfish nature; and must always be right. It is within my nature to invalidate others; so I may remain standing as the strongest one. I will sneak a peak at a beautiful woman, especially if she flashes a bit. I will no sooner accompany her home; as what I am invited. I, my fellow beings; have all the qualities to be a dreadful man. I could even commit non violent crimes to better my survival. I could sleep with someone’s wife; then, return to my own. All these things I can do; BUT… I choose not to. This is where my personal values and religion comes in. The things I have mentioned would lead to chaos and conflict. I choose harmony, to love; despite my urge to sin. I judge my own actions, so I may remain fair; aren’t you the same? So, if I hurt or upset you unintentionally; just know it could have been worse. I could have targeted you with intention; your survival would diminish then. Instead I have opted to love and care; enough to carry the many layers required. Thus, it is a choice to consider others; by choice I am the man I am today, alone. I have exercised my right to worship a god, the God I chose to believe in. I have aligned myself with the principles and values of that belief. I have accepted that there are some laws I will have to respect to fit in. Now I stand here naked, completely content with who I am; are you? |
| By : Thys Groesbeek |